Pre-Wedding Event Etiquette

UK wedding culture has, in recent years, absorbed more of the pre-wedding event calendar that used to be more of an American tradition - engagement parties and bridal showers alongside the hen do - and it's worth thinking deliberately about which of these you actually want, rather than defaulting to all of them because that's what you've seen online.

The core etiquette issue: every pre-wedding event you have asks something of your guests - time, travel, money, or all three, on top of what they'll already spend on the wedding itself (outfit, gift, travel, possibly accommodation). Stacking an engagement party, a bridal shower, and a hen do onto the same guest list is a genuine and reasonable thing for guests to feel worn out by, even the ones who love you and would never say so directly.

A few etiquette points worth knowing:

• The guest list for each event doesn't have to be identical to the wedding guest list. A hen do for eight close friends is completely normal even if your wedding has 100 guests - pre-wedding events are commonly smaller and more intimate by design, not a scaled-down version of the full list.
• Whoever's organising an event should never expect the bride to cover other guests' costs, and equally, guests generally cover their own way at each event unless explicitly told otherwise - communicate cost expectations clearly and early rather than leaving people to guess.
• Gifts at multiple events can add up for guests - if you're having both a shower and a wedding gift list, be considerate about whether you're effectively asking for gifts twice, and say so plainly if a shower is genuinely just a celebration, no gifts expected.
• It's entirely fine to skip an event category altogether. No engagement party, no shower, just a hen do - or none of the above - isn't a breach of etiquette. The events exist to serve you and your friendships, not the other way round.

If in doubt, ask yourself who each event is actually for. An event that exists mainly because you feel you're supposed to have it is a good candidate to reconsider or scale down.